What If

Today would have been my due date.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently.  Instead of going to the doctor for yet another cycle day 2 {we’re on cycle #18 of trying} appointment like I did today, I would be holding a baby, another blessing from God.

I know I’ve said it before, but infertility is so very hard.  Yes, on your body–the meds are no fun, but really what I mean is that it’s hard on your heart.  Sure, the infertility wound may heal like when I had Mary Margaret, but it leaves behind a scar nonetheless.  And when you are in the throes of infertility, well it’s painful.  My heart and spirit hurt and ache.

I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago who has recently had two miscarriages.  The only way I could describe the pain was telling her that if you had your palm read {and believed in that sort of thing} you would see a large indention on your life line because of your miscarriage.  That the loss of a child or infertility leaves that big a mark on your life.  On your soul.  It changes you.

I wonder sometimes why God gave me my passion of wanting a large family.  When I was little I always said I wanted twelve kids.  Or eight.  But no less than five.  Why did he put that in my heart if I’m unable to do it?

And yes, I’m 110% okay with the fact that MM might be an only child.  I am so very grateful for her, please don’t misunderstand.  What I mean is why does my heart now–and since I was a tiny child–yearn for many children?

I know things in life aren’t easy and that I need to be patient and all in God’s time.  I say these things to myself every day.  Every day I wage that internal war with myself over the child I want now {right now.  right this very second now.} verses trusting in God’s timing.  I constantly have to fight with my heart to have faith that I will have more children.  One day.

One day.

I always say that I wish I could go back to my sixteen year old self that had just been diagnosed with cancer and tell her that one day I would have a child–a perfect daughter–and not to worry for the next 12 years.  I wish right now I could have the same question answered: will I have more children? with just a simple yes or no.  That way I could stop worrying and obsessing every cycle.

But that’s not faith, is it?  Faith is believing and trusting that it will happen.

And it will.

That’s why I started fertility meds tonight.  Again.  Seventh time’s the charm with them, right?

11 Responses to What If

  1. Nelle September 14, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

    My heart hurts for you. I’m in the beginning stages of what I call all this baby nonesense. One round down after 15 months of trying and totally scared out of my wits. God has a plan. That’s what I keep saying.

  2. mrs shortcake September 14, 2010 at 10:41 pm #

    Life is unexplainable, unpredictable in both its moments of joy and of sorrow. I had two miscarriages before having my daughter (a newborn), and as overjoyed as I am to have her, I still have those marks on my heart. I’m sorry for your loss.

  3. Alicia September 14, 2010 at 11:07 pm #

    Aw, Natalie. This makes my heart hurt for you. My best friend has fertility issues too (She has PCOS) and is about to have baby #2……it took a couple tries (just like her first baby) but the IUI finally worked. I’m so sorry. I will be praying that this does happen and that it happens for you *this* time. Hugs and prayers.

  4. Mrs Marcos September 15, 2010 at 12:56 am #

    I understand what you’re saying. I’ve done 6 cycles of IUI and about to try my first cycle of IVF. Some days I just wish I had a yes or no in regards to my fertility. If I’m not going to be blessed with a baby I wish I would just know it and then be done with all the wondering and time consuming treatments. I hope you’re able to give MM a sibling, hopefully things will work out for you ASAP.

  5. Jamie September 15, 2010 at 7:51 am #

    Best wishes to you. I hope God leads you in the direction your heart wants. ((hugs))

  6. Blue Eyed Yonder September 15, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.” – Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

    Natalie – Your words are so real. My heart hurts for you. Just know that God has your future in His hands. One day, down the road, you will look back at this and have such a greater understanding. He has His eye on the bigger picture, put all of your trust in Him. ((Big Hug))

  7. Kara @ Launching Our Life Together September 15, 2010 at 8:58 am #

    I’ll be praying for you.

    God is your Rock. Lean on Him. He will not waiver.

  8. Tammy September 15, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    I feel like I have gotten to know you through your blog and that we must be old friends even though we have never met! And, because of that, it makes my heart even more sad to read this. I have been where you are and I never really felt consoled during this trial although people said the kindest things. Even being through it, I never know what to say to someone else who is suffering the same way I did. I just want you to know that you aren’t suffering alone and that prayers are offered on your behalf even though we really don’t know each other. Those prayers include hope for a miracle for you as well as comfort in your trials.

  9. Mimi September 15, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    Hey Sweetie,
    I have been where you are, the only difference is that I did not have a child at all. And, I tried for 6 years. The only thing that got me through was God. Once I COMPLETELY turned everything over to HIM, He sent me YOU!!!! What a wonderful blessing you have been in my life(in our whole families lives). Just trust completely in Him and He will see you through….I am praying for another sweet grandchild just like MM. She is so precious. I love you and will always be here for you.
    Love you forever and always

  10. Gincy September 16, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

    This is the verse that I recited daily to myself when I went through infertility. Your mom hit it on the spot (and made me cry ridiculously by the way..) Give it all to God…Completely…and know that he knows the plans for your future… Now…actually doing that is a lot harder than saying it! Praying for you and your family!

  11. Meaghan Harris September 18, 2010 at 5:58 pm #

    Oh Natalie, I have been praying and thinking about you a lot. That is true, the loss of a child does change you and will forever be with you. I pray for you and your family. MM is the most adorable little girl. I am so happy you get the best of both worlds, teaching and being home with her. You have a beautiful family and beautiful life. xoxo

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