This day each year is so mystical to me.  I’m given the opportunity to look back at this past year, while having the chance to dream about the upcoming year.  Such a time of reflection.

And I’m sure it’s not a surprise that I find myself thinking about our adoption.  It seems like just yesterday…and yet also like a lifetime ago…that we announced we were adopting in late January almost a year ago.

Here we are almost a full year later and in a sense, the same.  No baby, but the hope of one to come.

This year though we know his name.  And that hope all centers around a day {or a week or two} in early March when he should be here.

To say I imagine holding him the first time, looking into those eyes, and whispering ‘We’ve been waiting on you’, a hundred times a day is an understatement.  Because, y’all, the thought of him follows me everywhere I go.

With every teeny tiny-sized purchase I make, with every thing I pull out of storage, every time I go into his room, or every time I talk about March–he is there.  He’s so real it’s almost like I could put my hand on my stomach and feel him kick, living there inside me.  Our lives are intertwined though a few hundred miles separate us.  But one day–most like a chilly, early spring day, we will meet–and my heart and arms already long for that day.

And I have to say, because it’s what I’ve been realizing, that infertility is a beautiful thing.  Never in a million years would I have ever imagined myself saying that as I sat crying on another bathroom floor with another negative pregnancy test in my hands…or when I sat on a cold doctor’s table and was told that the baby we had been praying for was no longer there.  Because of this unspeakable grief I have experienced as my heart {whose only wish my whole life was to be a mother of many children} is overjoyed with the thought of our next child.  My heart sometimes feels as if it could burst it is so happy and joyful.  My soul sings.  And infertility gave me that…it made me realize just how beautiful and wonderful and amazing the gift of having a child is.  It made me realize how very blessed I am to be the mama of such a special little girl…and to this amazing little boy.

Infertility gave me a gift–a joyous heart.

Of course, nothing with adoption is ever set in stone until the papers have been signed {and in our state ten days must also pass after that until he is really, truly ours}, but I can’t tell my heart to not laugh with happiness.  I cannot hide the feelings for our son.  I tried at first, I really did.  But every time I thought about him {and his precious birth mother}, a smile would come across my face and the love grew and grew.  There’s no stopping this mama’s love.

So this January 1st while I envision our upcoming year {which always stops in early March because how in the world am I supposed to think past him being born?!}, our son is at the forefront of my mind.  And my daughter as she becomes a {wonderful} big sister.  And my husband as he becomes a dad to two.  And myself who, well, I think I already told you…is just a little excited.

Thank you for still being here, waiting out the the periods of silence while I hope and dream, to see these beautiful things that are about to come.  Happy New Year, everyone, may 2012 be all you dream of and more.

2 Responses to Review-Preview

  1. Val January 1, 2012 at 6:51 pm #

    I can’t wait to see pictures of him when he arrives, and is safe in your arms, at home. Hopefully God gives you a speedy Janaury and February!

  2. Joyce Hughes January 1, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    Sleep tight each night, sweetie, and keep right on dreaming! Happy new Year.

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