If you know me, then you know I do my research. So, there were no surprises about the pre-op, procedure itself, or the recovery, except one. After they showed me to my little pre-op room and changed the nurse gave me some paperwork to fill out that came as quite a shock. One form asked me what I would like the hospital to do with the remains–funeral home, testing, or to discard. That alone made my lip quiver and my hands get shaky. The next paper was a form that the state makes you fill out that looks just like a birth certificate, but instead is a still birth/infant loss certificate. It brought back so many happy, joyful memories of filling out a similar form last year when MM was just a day old. That’s what made me almost lose it–that right there made me come face-to-face to the truth I’ve been trying to deny–there will be no baby in September. It is gone. But somehow I held it together and so far today, haven’t cried. Honestly, I’m afraid if I start then I won’t be able to stop.
Everything with the procedure went normally and I was home recuperating at my parents’ house within two hours afterwards. I’ve slept a lot today as the anesthesia wore off and I’m not terribly sore. Just very crampy. It appears the physical healing is going to come much quicker than the emotionally healing will.
On a happier note: MM has become obsessed with Barney. Last night I got her a Barney doll since I wasn’t going to get to see her much today and every time she sees it she hugs him, pats him on the back, and gives him a big open-mouth kiss. All you have to do is say, ‘Barney’s coming on!’, and she sits in her little rocking chair waiting. As soon as she sees him she starts “dancing” and moving her arms around. Of all the cartoons/kid shows out there, I NEVER would have thought that Barney would be her favorite.