I have realized lately that you can give an infertile woman a baby but she will still feel barren. I’ve had my period twice since I had Mary Margaret 14 weeks ago and each time I realize that it’s “that time” my heart sinks and I get really sad.
We’re not ready for another child (or the possibility another awful pregnancy) and we’re even using birth control. But that old heartbreaking feeling returns each month because it’s what I associate with my period. Period = no baby = crying Natalie over no baby.
Since I was 15 I was anxious about my fertility. As soon as I lost that one ovary 50% of my eggs were gone. And then at 24 when I had another large cyst and almost lost my last remaining ovary, I almost became panicked. C. & I weren’t ready for kids at that point since we’d just been married four months, but I remember getting anxious every month after that just the same. And then when we did start trying and nothing happened…and nothing happened…and nothing happened, well, it became devastating.
And then miracles of miracles, I became pregnant. And my HcG numbers doubled like they were supposed to. And we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks and heard it at 9. I felt her kick at 23 weeks. And because of my complications I got to see her twice a week on an ultrasound. But until they laid her in my arms I thought it was too good to be true. Like it was some big joke being played on me–how could I, the infertile, barren woman that I was, carry a child?
And now as the weeks tick by since I’ve been pregnant–it feels almost like the pregnancy was a dream itself–the old panicky feelings have returned. It’s really amazing how your mind can play tricks on you like that.
That infertility thing is one tough cookie.